How our unconscious patterns shape relationships and how we can break free to experience true, unconditional love.
Summary:
Love is at the core of everything we do. We all seek unconditional love, yet most of us unconsciously act in ways that push it away. Inspired by Real Love by Greg Baer, this article explores how our learned behaviors—attacking, withdrawing, or manipulating—stem from childhood survival mechanisms and how we can shift towards genuine love and connection.
Key Points
- Unconditional love is the deepest need of every human being.
- When we don’t feel loved, we unconsciously attack or withdraw—patterns learned in childhood.
- Reacting with frustration, annoyance, or anger signals “I don’t love you” and shuts down connection.
- People who act out are like drowning individuals—focused on survival, not on giving or receiving love.
- Breaking the cycle requires awareness, self-compassion, and learning to love unconditionally.
What Is Real Love?
Real love, as described by Greg Baer, is unconditional love—a love that does not depend on what we do, say, or achieve. It is the kind of love we all long for, yet often struggle to receive and give.
Most of us have been conditioned to believe love is conditional:
- We must behave a certain way to be accepted.
- We fear rejection and judgment.
- We seek validation through achievements, pleasing others, or controlling situations.
When we don’t feel loved, we react automatically with frustration, defensiveness, or silence—behavior patterns developed in childhood.
The Two Common Responses: Attacking or Running
When we feel unloved, we unconsciously fall into two main survival strategies:
- Attacking – Criticizing, blaming, arguing, or using anger to assert control.
- Running – Withdrawing, becoming silent, avoiding conflict, or shutting down emotionally.
These responses were useful in childhood because they helped us navigate difficult emotional situations with our parents, teachers, or caregivers. As adults, we continue using them—without realizing they are ineffective and only push love further away.
Example:
Imagine someone criticizes you at work or in a relationship. Instead of responding with understanding, you:
- Attack (“You always say that! You never appreciate what I do.”)
- Run (Become quiet, distant, and avoid confrontation.)
But deep down, what you’re really saying is: “I don’t feel loved right now. Please love me anyway.”
The Drowning Analogy: Why People Act Out
Greg Baer compares people who don’t feel loved to someone drowning. When you’re drowning, your focus is survival—you can’t calmly reach out to help someone else.
Likewise, when people lash out, become defensive, or withdraw, it’s because they feel emotionally threatened. They are drowning in fear, insecurity, or past wounds.
In these moments, expecting them to give love is unrealistic. Instead of reacting with judgment, we can recognize:
- They are not the enemy; they are struggling.
- Their behavior is not personal—it’s a reflection of their pain.
- The only thing that can break the cycle is love and understanding.
Breaking the Cycle: How to Respond with Love
Once we understand why we react the way we do—and why others do the same—we can start changing our responses.
- Pause and recognize the moment.
- When you feel frustrated, annoyed, or hurt, stop and ask: Am I attacking or running?
- Instead of reacting automatically, choose a different response.
- Shift from judgment to curiosity.
- Instead of thinking, Why are they doing this to me? ask, What pain or fear might be driving their reaction?
- This creates space for empathy instead of resentment.
- Offer love, even when it’s difficult.
- Love doesn’t mean allowing unhealthy behavior, but it does mean responding with kindness rather than defensiveness.
- A simple, “I understand you’re upset. I’m here when you’re ready to talk,” can change the dynamic completely.
- Practice self-awareness and self-love.
- Recognizing your own emotional patterns helps you avoid falling into automatic reactions.
- The more love and acceptance you give yourself, the less you need to seek it externally.
Final Thoughts: Love Is a Choice
We all want to be loved as we are. But to experience real love, we must first become aware of the ways we push it away.
- Love is not a transaction; it’s a gift.
- People’s reactions are often rooted in their own struggles, not in you.
- The best way to receive love is to give it—especially when it’s hardest.
How do you respond when you don’t feel loved—do you attack, withdraw, or something else? Have you ever broken this pattern and responded differently? Share your experiences below.
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