Turning Defensiveness Into Curiosity: Building Better Work Relationships and Unlocking Growth

Shifting from Defensiveness to Curiosity Can Transform Stuck Conversations Into Opportunities for Insight, Collaboration, and Growth.

Summary: Defensiveness often creates barriers in conversations, keeping us stuck in self-protection mode. By replacing defensiveness with curiosity, we can foster openness, gain insights, and improve relationships. This article explores how curiosity enhances communication, its benefits in professional and personal settings, and practical ways to cultivate this habit.

Key Points:

Defensiveness Creates Barriers: Defending our position makes the conversation about protecting ourselves, leading to impasses and missed opportunities for learning.
Curiosity Opens Doors: A curious mindset shifts the focus to understanding others, creating a space for collaboration and new insights.
The Benefits of Curiosity: Curiosity fosters teamwork, uncovers blind spots, and enhances trust and understanding in relationships.
Practical Curiosity Techniques: Respond with openness using phrases like “That’s interesting…” and follow up with exploratory questions.
Transforming Habits: Developing curiosity as a habit requires self-awareness, openness to feedback, and intentional practice.

The Insight: Replacing Defensiveness With Curiosity

In a recent coaching session, I explored the idea of shifting from defensiveness to curiosity. Defensiveness, or the tendency to protect and argue for one’s position, creates a stuck point in conversations. It often stems from fear or the need to maintain control and can block the flow of new ideas, insights, or resolutions.

Curiosity, on the other hand, transforms the dynamic. Instead of focusing on protecting yourself or your position, curiosity shifts the focus to understanding the other person. This simple yet profound change can foster collaboration, uncover blind spots, and create space for growth—both individually and as a team.

Defensiveness: A Barrier to Progress

When we become defensive, we make the conversation about ourselves. This might look like:

Arguing to “win” the discussion rather than seeking resolution.
Protecting our ego by rejecting alternative viewpoints.
Blocking feedback that could help us grow or improve.

For example, in a work meeting, defending your position might sound like:

“I already know what works best for this project.”
“That’s not true because…”

While this may feel like maintaining authority, it often leads to tension and reduces trust. Furthermore, it prevents us from hearing valuable insights or feedback that could improve our approach.

Curiosity: A Gateway to Collaboration and Insight

Curiosity flips the script by shifting the focus from protection to exploration. Instead of rejecting or refuting someone’s perspective, curiosity invites us to:

Understand the reasoning behind their viewpoint.
Look for opportunities to learn or grow.
Foster a collaborative environment where everyone feels heard.

For example, in the same work meeting, curiosity might sound like:

“That’s an interesting perspective. Can you share what led you to that conclusion?”
“I’d like to understand more about your approach—what evidence or experience supports it?”

This approach not only builds rapport but also allows for the integration of diverse ideas, leading to better outcomes for everyone involved.

What Are You Protecting?

When we’re defensive, it’s worth asking ourselves: What am I protecting?

Is it my ego? Am I afraid of appearing wrong or vulnerable?
Is it my sense of control? Am I resisting change or uncertainty?
Is it my self-worth? Am I equating disagreement with rejection?

By examining these questions, we can uncover what’s driving our defensiveness and choose to approach the situation differently. Curiosity requires vulnerability, but it also opens the door to growth and stronger connections.

Practical Techniques to Foster Curiosity

Shifting from defensiveness to curiosity takes practice and intentionality. Here are some actionable strategies:

1. Pause and Reframe

When you feel the urge to defend yourself, pause and reframe your response. Instead of reacting defensively, consider:

“What can I learn from this perspective?”
“How can I use this feedback to improve?”

2. Respond With Interest

Use phrases that signal openness and encourage further discussion:

“That’s interesting. Can you tell me more about that?”
“What gives you the confidence to say that?”
“What evidence supports your position?”

These questions either strengthen the other person’s argument (giving you valuable insight) or highlight its weaknesses, all without creating tension.

3. Focus on the Other Person

Shift the spotlight away from yourself and toward understanding the other person. For example:

Instead of saying, “That’s not true,” ask, “What led you to see it that way?”
Instead of dismissing feedback, ask, “How do you think I could improve in this area?”

4. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness helps you stay present and notice defensive reactions before they take over. When you feel triggered, take a breath and focus on staying curious rather than reactive.

5. Embrace Feedback as a Gift

When someone offers feedback, see it as an opportunity to learn rather than a critique of your worth. Remind yourself that feedback often sheds light on blind spots, helping you grow in ways you wouldn’t otherwise.

The Benefits of Curiosity

Adopting curiosity instead of defensiveness has far-reaching benefits, including:

Improved Work Environment: By asking others for their input and ideas, you create a culture of collaboration and respect.
Enhanced Relationships: Curiosity fosters empathy and understanding, strengthening personal and professional connections.
Personal Growth: Feedback and alternative perspectives help you identify areas for improvement and achieve greater self-awareness.
Better Outcomes: Curiosity leads to more creative problem-solving and effective teamwork, as diverse ideas are integrated.

Reflective Questions to Practice Curiosity

What situations tend to trigger my defensiveness?
How can I reframe these moments as opportunities for learning?
What’s one question I can ask the next time I feel defensive?
How might practicing curiosity improve my relationships or work environment?

Conclusion: A Shift Worth Making

Shifting from defensiveness to curiosity isn’t just about improving communication—it’s about transforming how we approach challenges, relationships, and feedback. While defensiveness keeps us stuck in self-protection, curiosity opens the door to understanding, growth, and collaboration.

By practicing curiosity, we not only improve the quality of our conversations but also create a more open and inclusive environment, whether at work or in personal relationships. Over time, this habit can lead to better outcomes, stronger connections, and a deeper sense of confidence in our ability to navigate life’s complexities.

Start small: The next time you feel defensive, pause and ask, “What can I learn from this?” You might be surprised by the insights and opportunities that curiosity brings.